It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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