My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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