Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
