o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
