y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
