IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
