one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
