Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
