Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
