oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
