remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You ruined the universe
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
