I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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