But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
ok first of all what the fuck
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
