I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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