is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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