My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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