I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
