he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
