i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
