remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
