Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
