??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
