Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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