You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
