Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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