Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
