What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
