I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
