Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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