I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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