it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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