oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Its about making memories worth repressing
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
