I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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