My liver just broke up with me...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
