update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
