I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
