I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
accomplished twins. life is a go
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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