You really coming over, don't trick.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
