Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
