He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
