Don't you send me to vm
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
