Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
