My Higher Power is John Stamos
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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