life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
