Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
