I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize