i need an iv and a liver transplant
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
