we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
