btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
