im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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