Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
