Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize