if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
