And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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