Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
