I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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