haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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