i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
