my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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